


If It’s Possible to Die of Embarrassment, At Least You’re Already in the ER Waiting Room

by the_genderman



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Armitage Hux & Phasma Friendship, Awkward Flirting, Dysfunctional Family, Hospitals, Inappropriate Humor, Kylo Ren is a Mess, M/M, Minor Injuries, Pre-Slash, Waiting Rooms, discussion of sexual mishaps, everyone is a mess, inappropriate use of peanut butter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:28:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_genderman/pseuds/the_genderman
Summary: Hux and Kylo meet in the ER waiting room in the middle of the night. It’s awkward and embarrassing, but has that ever stopped Kylo from flirting shamelessly?
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 12
Kudos: 54





	If It’s Possible to Die of Embarrassment, At Least You’re Already in the ER Waiting Room

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know that's a lot of tags for not quite 2000 words. I wanted to be thorough about tagging because it's a bit of a weird fic.
> 
> Inspired by a tweet I saw a while back and forgot everything about except for the basic plot, so of course my brain simmered it for a few days and now I want to write it. I don’t remember for sure if it was specifically Kylux, or just an “imagine your OTP,” but it was basically “A is in the ER waiting room with a bag of frozen peas on his dick and B is trying not to sit down too directly.”

Phasma was glad she had put her phone on the charger earlier in the evening, because it looked like she was going to need as much battery as she could get. It was Christmas Eve—possibly Christmas Day already—and she had _not_ planned to be spending it in the ER waiting room. Unfortunately, Hux needed a ride and she was a good friend. So here they were. She was reading fanfic on her phone and he was trying to find the least uncomfortable way to sit in the waiting room chairs. Every so often she glanced up to covertly check out any other poor souls who were also stuck in the ER waiting room tonight.

Oh. Well. That wasn’t ideal. As she looked up, Phasma accidentally made eye contact with the guy sitting across from her and Hux. Looking roughly their age, he had long dark hair, striking features, and a scowl on his face. He was wearing oversized sweatpants, sitting spread-legged across about three chairs, and holding a bag of organic frozen peas against his crotch. She kinda wondered what his story was, but not enough to want to talk to him. He looked like the exact kind of fuckboy she would rather punch than be forced to speak to. Unfortunately, with him, her, and Hux being the only people in the waiting room at the moment, and the way he was leering at the two of them, it looked like they were gonna start talking whether she wanted to or not. She’d have to try to head it off.

“I don’t know which one of us you’re eyeing up,” Phasma began, “but I don’t play for your team, and he’s in no shape for any kind of hook-up. And I don’t think you are, either.”

“Hey!” Hux said, looking slightly offended that she was making his potential dating decisions for him. He squirmed again, trying and failing to get comfortable.

Scowly’s scowl morphed into a smirk and his eyebrows rose knowingly. He gave Hux a blatant once-over. Hux frowned and glared at him.

“Don’t judge, it could happen to anyone,” Hux muttered.

“Oh, I didn’t say anything,” Scowly said with a lilt that suggested that he _absolutely_ was saying something.

“You certainly _inferred_ it,” Hux replied tetchily, gripping the seat of the chair with his hands and holding himself slightly above it.

“Don’t let him wind you up, you don’t even know his name,” Phasma sighed, side-eyeing Hux. She knew it was futile telling him not to argue with this guy, but she had to try, didn’t she?

“My name’s Kylo, by the way. And it’s _kind_ of obvious what you’re here for; you’re not exactly hiding it very well,” Kylo laughed, readjusting the bag of peas and somehow managing to spread his legs even wider. “So, what is it? Cucumber? Wiffle ball? Hamster?”

“It’s a dildo, ok?” Hux snapped. “A perfectly normal dildo. And yes, I know dildo safety rules, but I guess it was a bit… worn out? Because it kind of, well, broke off. Laugh all you want, but at least I didn’t have to have my _mother_ drop me off. I have _friends_ who will do that for me.”

“Hey, I’m still on my mom’s insurance, ok?” Kylo interrupted.

“Please don’t bring me into this or else I’m going to go outside and bum a cigarette off of his mom,” Phasma said quickly, speaking over Kylo. She switched from fanfic to Angry Birds and refused to make any further eye contact with either Kylo _or_ Hux.

“You don’t smoke,” Hux said bemusedly, turning to look at her.

“Well I’m going to _start_ if you two keep this up,” Phasma said, rolling her eyes. “The sexual tension in this room is entirely too high considering you’ve got most of a dildo stuck probably somewhere in your sigmoid colon by now, and he’s got an entirely too expensive bag of peas on his dick.”

“Well then, it’s a good thing my mouth still works and _his_ dick isn’t broken, isn’t it?” Kylo said lecherously.

“Oh my God, really?” Phasma said, exasperated. She pocketed her phone and stood up. Glancing back down at Hux, she added “Text me when you go in, ok?”

“Tell my mom I’m bringing a date home,” Kylo yelled after her.

“I absolutely will not,” Phasma shot back as she left the waiting room.

“So,” Kylo said slowly, turning his focus to Hux. “What’s your name?”

“If I tell you my name, you have to tell me your story, ok?” Hux said, wanting to keep Kylo talking. Despite his usual disinterest in other people’s problems, despite the devil-may-care vibes the guy was giving off, and despite the entire reason he was in the ER waiting room in the first place, Hux found himself oddly drawn to Kylo. Something nagged at the back of his mind. Did Kylo look kind of familiar, or was he imagining it? Was he just cute? The name wasn’t ringing any bells, but the looks and the attitude might be.

“You’ve got a deal,” Kylo said, flashing a toothy grin.

“You can call me Hux. Now why are you here?” Hux said, gingerly settling back down on the seat. His arms were starting to get sore.

“Alright,” Kylo began. He leaned back, screwed his eyes shut, wincing, and readjusted the peas again. “So. It’s Christmas break. Family time, yeah? And my uncle, who—I don’t know what he even does, he’s in a cult or something, lives off on an island in the middle of nowhere and breeds Irish wolfhounds. Well, my parents invited my uncle over for Christmas because that’s how families do. So of course he brings a couple of the dogs along with him. I mean, I like ‘em well enough, but you ever seen an Irish wolfhound?”

Hux nodded, wondering where the story was going, and which part was more relevant: the dogs or the uncle who might be in a cult. 

“So you know then,” Kylo nodded in return. “They’re _big_ bastards. Well. Back to the story. It’s late. Everyone’s gone to bed. The dogs are asleep. I mean, my door doesn’t lock, but my room’s in the basement, nobody’s gonna hear me. So I decide, this is the best chance I’m gonna have all break. I get the peanut butter out. You ever fuck a jar of peanut butter? Well. You really ought to try it sometime—get the good stuff, the natural kind where it’s not quite solid. Creamy, of course. Unless you’re into peanut chunks poking you in the dick, I won’t judge. Anyway. I got the peanut butter out, I’m going to town, and I hear the doorknob rattle. I say 'I'm busy,’ because I _am_. No reply. Doorknob jiggles again. It’s one of those flat kinds, not a proper knob—this is important. You wanna take a guess who it is?”

“Your… uncle?” Hux answered slowly, wondering if he made a mistake asking to hear the story.

“Nope,” Kylo said, shaking his head. “One of the dogs. Apparently, they’ve learned how to use doorknobs. I guess he smelled the peanut butter and came sniffing around. So I’ve got my dick in a jar of peanut butter when a hundred-fifty pound dog _opens my bedroom door_ and jumps on me because he thinks its treat time. He headbutts the jar trying to get it.”

Hux cringed, sucking through his teeth. And winced for real when he involuntarily clenched at the thought of a very large, excited dog aimed directly at his dick.

“Yeah. Exactly,” Kylo said. “The next part is a bit fuzzy, but according to my mom, I screamed like I was being murdered. Next thing I know, my mom, my dad, _and_ my uncle are all in my room. Mom’s got a baseball bat because she thought someone had broken in but now she’s giving me her worst ‘what did you do _now_?’ look. I’m lying on the floor, naked, in the fetal position, with peanut butter on my dick, which is probably broken, and the dog is eating the peanut butter out of my fuck-jar. I manage an ‘I swear, it’s not what it looks like—the dog let himself in.’ Mom sighs and tells Dad to go get a bag of peas, all while my uncle’s trying to get the dog off of my peanut butter. Which, at this point, just let him _have_ it if he wants it that much. There’s dog-slobber in my fuck-jar now, _I_ don’t want it anymore. I don’t know how much time passes. I’m still on the floor. Mom finds a shirt and a pair of sweatpants that aren’t too dirty. Dad gives me the peas and some Oxy from when he broke his foot and Mom shoos him off. I think the dog’s been taken outside, I dunno. I don’t care. All I know is my dick’s probably broken and I didn’t even get off before the dog learned how to use a doorknob.”

Conversation trailed off as Kylo found a slightly more comfortable sitting position. Hux used the lull to interject. “Uh, I’m... sorry? That sounds very painful.”

“Yeah, 0/10 stars, would not recommend breaking your dick,” Kylo said, entirely too offhandedly. “Of course, it could just be bruised, but that’s why I’m here in the ER waiting room and Mom’s outside pretending I’m not the reason she smokes. Could be better, but could also be worse. I think the peas are helping. Could also be the Oxy. Probably the Oxy.”

“I guess that means you were joking about ‘bringing a date home’?” Hux asked, slightly disappointed. In Kylo for making a joke about it, in himself for wanting Kylo to be interested in him, _and_ in himself for still wanting Kylo to be actually interested in him even after learning he was probably a little bit high on oxycodone.

“I never joke about sucking dick,” Kylo said, looking very serious. “If you’re interested, give me your phone and I’ll add me to your Snapchat. You do have Snapchat, right? I’ll send you dick pics when it’s not so bruised up anymore. I don’t have my phone on me right now.”

Hux paused. He ought to be offended by being offered dick pics by a relative stranger, but he was tempted. _Very_ tempted.

“Let me download it and you can add yourself, do whatever you need to do,” Hux said, digging his phone out and wincing again as he shifted in his seat. He poked around the App Store until he found Snapchat. As it downloaded, he looked at Kylo again. He _had_ to know him from somewhere. “And this might be an odd question, but do I know you from somewhere?”

“Could very well,” Kylo shrugged. “I think you were in my Viking history class, but you were always so prim and proper and _on time_ that I never got the chance to talk to you then. I mean, that’s one of the classes I actually _liked_ showing up to and you don’t look like an art major, so it was _probably_ that one. Anyway, I thought I’d missed my chance, but here we both are now.”

“Here we both are now,” Hux echoed and handed Kylo his phone. “And I have a Snapchat now. Do whatever you need to.”

“Oh, you bet I will,” Kylo grinned.


End file.
